


you are not permitted to leave

by emqjm84



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Ableist Language, Abuse, Abuse of Authority, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Amputation, Asuka is a rapist, Asuka is abusive in this fic., Body Horror, Bullying, Cannibalism, Clones, Depression, Disturbing Themes, Everyone is a rapist in this fic, F/F, F/M, Gendo Ikari's relationship with Rei in this is vile., Gore, I dont even know you probably shouldn't read this if you're triggered at all by anything., Implied pedophillia, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Kaworu is a rapist, M/M, Post-Zombie Apocalypse, Rape, Rapist Au, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shinji is a rapist, Unsanitary, Verbal Abuse, Vomiting, Zombies, semen - Freeform, unreality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-14 21:21:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3425999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emqjm84/pseuds/emqjm84
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU where angels are instead zombies.</p><p>What remained of humanity sealed itself in a massive underground structure known as the geofront. There weren't enough people left to fight so humanity created Evangelions from the Angels.</p><p>Shinji barely remembers surviving the zombie apocalypse.  The dust has settled and he has returned to his normal life. Despite that each day feels empty to him until one day when he recieves a new prototype Evangelion named Kaworu. </p><p>Kaworu was designed to be as part of a new generation of workers to rebuild humanity. As a result Kaworu will follow every order Shinji gives unquestioningly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. once more

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a happy fic.

He had been walking home from piano practice when he smelled death for the first time in his life. He found himself drawn toward it despite how it repelled him. He didn’t even know what it was until he found it.

  
An angel or to be more precise he found Kensuke. He remembered staring at Kensuke until his mind finally realized he was eating Toji. Kensuke had kept looking up at him and then back to his former friend quickly stealing away bites as if he were afraid Shinji would steal Toji away from him. Eventually Shinji just waved and to his surprise Kensuke waved back.

  
He didn’t remember anything after that.

  
Eventually things calmed down and school reopened and everything remained just as it was except with smaller classroom sizes. His father gave him a new cello and a new “mom” named Misato and left him to his own devices. He had an apocalypse to manage and even though they technically still lived together he had never seen his father come home.

  
Rei told him that she had found Kensuke still eating Toji. His stomach had burst and yet he continued to eat as if he couldn’t bear to leave a single piece of Toji behind. Usually most angels would bite infecting everyone they could. They didn’t eat anyone after biting them because their only goal was to propagate their infection.

  
Rei would often tell him things about what had happened during those days. She was his only friend and he strongly suspected it was only because his father had ordered her to. Rei wasn’t human anymore. She was an Evangelion Unit. There hadn’t been enough humans left to fight the angels so his father had made the angels fight each other.  
Rei was one of them, repurposed and rebuilt into something resembling a human.

  
Shinji thought of her mostly as a doll but then again he wasn’t that different from her. Every day he woke up, made Misato breakfast, went to school, had lunch with Rei (usually in silence; he had run out of questions and Rei only spoke when spoken to), went back to school, then cello practice, and then he went home. Sometimes he wished he could have been an Evangelion instead because then maybe he wouldn’t have to think anymore.

-

“This is Kaworu. He is an Evangelion Unit like Rei.” The gray haired boy smiled angelically at Shinji. He looked almost human except for a cruel looking scar around his neck. He extended his hand toward Shinji. Shinji shook his hand and realized he felt warm. He had always expected them to feel cold and dead. He had never touched Rei or even thought about it and it surprised him to think of her having any warmth.

  
When his father had called him to come to his work he had expected to see him. Instead he had sent an elderly man named Dr. Fuyutsuki to meet with him. “Kaworu is set to obey any commands you give him so please be careful. He will obey every command you give unquestioningly.”

  
Dr. Fuyutsuki paused for a moment as if he were choosing his next words carefully. “Some people have made unreasonable requests of Evangelion Units in the past. Please consider your orders carefully and only make them if you are absolutely sure you will be okay with them being followed through.” He looked at Kaworu’s neck and wondered if that was a result of an order or something that had happened to him before he changed.

  
“Why me?” Shinji asked.

“Your father needs you to beta test the next generation of Evangelion Units. The world no longer needs fighters-“

“But why me?”

Dr. Fuyutsuki looked as if he didn’t want to be having this conversation. Adults were all like that so he stopped asking questions. He didn’t care about mass production Evangelions or what his father’s plans were. So soon he was walking out with a dead boy tagging along behind him.

-

  
“Hey, Shin-chan, do you like the new doll your daddy made for you.” Shinji turned around looking at the strange woman. Her voice was cold and mocking and he felt as if she had driven a knife into his back. He turned around. He didn’t recognize her, she had bright red hair, unnaturally bright red hair. She was wearing a yellow sundress the words EVANGELION UNIT 02 tattooed into her shoulder. She had the same red eyes as Rei and Kaworu but otherwise she seemed like a real person. He had never seen her before in his life.

  
“Who are you?”

  
She seemed almost taken aback by his question. “My name is Asuka Langley Soryu. I’m going to be starting at your school tomorrow with wonderboy here.” She said pointing at Kaworu who completely ignored her. He glanced at her tattoo.

  
“Are you?”

  
“I am not a doll if that’s what you’re asking. I can think by myself.”

  
Asuka touched her tattoo.

  
“I chose to become like this so I’m not like the others.”

  
-

  
“Why are you following me?” Shinji asked Asuka after they had continued walking in the same direction for ten minutes.

  
“I’m not following you dumbass, I’m going home.”

  
He briefly considered ordering Kaworu to make her leave them alone but he felt afraid of what he might do. Eventually they arrived at the same door. He entered and shut the door leaving both Kaworu and Asuka locked outside despite this Asuka had a key so she let herself in. Leaving Kaworu waiting outside. He ignored them both and went into his room slamming the door behind him.

  
“Aren’t you going to order wonderboy to come in?” She shouted behind him. He couldn’t handle this. He grabbed his Walkman and…

  
-

  
Apparently Misato and Asuka knew each other. She would be living with them from now on. What Misato had not expected was to see Kaworu. She had ended up spending over an hour arguing with his father that you can’t just give an Evangelion to a child. His father had won though and Misato forced Shinji to reluctantly order Kaworu to come inside. That night he laid next to the boy sharing a bed with him.

  
His father hadn’t let Misato know Kaworu was coming because he hadn’t considered Kaworu an extra person.

  
He turned to face Kaworu who had been staring at him wordlessly. Kaworu hadn’t spoken a single word to him except to acknowledge any orders he had been given. Suddenly a question popped into his mind that he had never asked any of them before.

  
“What are you thinking?”

  
“I think I really was born to meet you again.”

  
“What?”

  
“I think I really was born to meet you again.”

  
Kaworu repeated exactly as he had said before.

  
“I don’t understand.”

  
“I think I really was born to meet you again.”

  
Kaworu repeated exactly as he had said before.

  
Shinji realized Kaworu was obeying what he interpreted as an order.

  
“What do you mean?” Shinji asked rephrasing his question.

  
“I’m saying, ‘I love you.’”

  
Shinji didn’t know why but he started crying.

  
-

  
Shinji watched Asuka through the office windows.

  
“Kill you all! I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!” Asuka screamed as she was torn apart by Angels.

He ducked down hoping they hadn’t noticed him. He could hear Maya vomiting over his headset as Misato yelled orders at him to go help her.

 

-

  
He woke up screaming.

  
Kaworu watched him calmly.

  
“Hold me.” He begged Kaworu.

  
Kaworu made breakfast that morning.


	2. would you still love me if i felt no pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaworu and Kaji's past as spies. Misato attempts to warn Kaji. 
> 
> Asuka and Kaworu's first day at school.
> 
> Asuka desperately seeks answers from Rei. 
> 
> Kaworu attempts to save Shinji as everything, including himself, falls apart.
> 
> Rei is offered to Gendo Ikari.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really disturbing. Gendo Ikari's relationship with Rei could be really triggering to some people. Especially like sexual abuse. Please be aware of that and don't read this if you are in a bad place.

Kaworu handed Kaji a set of elaborately composed music. Kaji leafed through it for a few moments. He then carefully opened his briefcase and handed Kaworu an envelope.

  
“They’re watching us.” Kaworu said glancing up at a nearby hill. “Misato is going to be jealous if we keep meeting like this.”

Kaji smiled and cupped his cheek.

  
“Shall we really give her something to be jealous about?”

Kaworu brushed his hand away delicately.

“I’m sorry, I already have someone.”

“Is your heart really so small that there’s only room for one?”

Kaworu smiled at him.

“My student is waiting.”

“Back to work then?”

“Shinji is never work. He is always a pleasure.”

And with that dropoff successfully completed Kaworu and Kaji went their separate ways.

What neither of them were aware that Misato hadn’t been watching. No one had been watching them that day because while they talked the world was falling apart. Misato was scrambling around NERV HQ barking orders and scrambling to save as many as she could. Spies were meaningless to her when humanity was going extinct.

Despite this she managed to blow up Kaji's phone with missed calls and texts. After everything calmed down she would occasionally send drunken texts and messages. Eventually weeks later Misato sent an Eva team only to find his phone plugged in a seedy motel room with no sign of Kaji. He never read any of her messages.

  
Kaworu walked to his piano lessons with Shinji not seeing a single person. He didn’t think anything of this until he reached campus and could not hear a single instrument. Something was wrong and when he arrived at his studio Shinji was not waiting outside as usual. He wondered if NERV had finally decided to act when he realized he could smell something and then he knew.

  
He took off running his leg hurting and aching as he followed his way hoping that he wouldn’t find Shinji. He hoped this was a setup and perhaps a bullet would soon be embedded in his skull or perhaps a few men in black suits ready to take him away never to be seen again. Instead to his despair he found Shinji.

  
He rushed to him grabbing him. He didn’t care if he was infected.

  
“Are you okay?” But Shinji didn’t react. He was staring at something. “Shinji!” He shouted pulling on him. Shinji turned toward him blinking in a daze. “Kaworu?” Shinji said almost as if he were in a dream. “Something is wrong with Kensuke. He’s eating Toji.”

  
Kaworu glanced at the angels and his worst fears were confirmed.

  
“Please come with me, Shinji.”

  
They ran through empty streets together until finally Shinji forced them to stop. He panted out of breath as Kaworu looked around desperately his eyes feral as he guarded against anything and everything. As Shinji panted he stared downward until he realized they had left a trail of blood. He looked at Kaworu’s black slacks which had a dark wetspot going down his side.

  
He glanced up at Kaworu and suddenly felt afraid of him. He looked so violent almost like an animal instead of his normally placid self.

  
“Kaworu, you’re bleeding.” He said in a voice that sounded so small he didn’t recognize himself. Kaworu’s eyes glanced down at himself and he touched his hip. “I scratched myself earlier before I came here.” He said surprised how quickly all of his secrets were falling apart. Shinji looked terrified of him. He was letting himself slip.

  
“I’m sorry, we have just a little bit more to go and then we’ll be safe.” He said placidly his angelic expression returning. “What’s going on?” Kaworu took his hand. “The doors of Guf are open. ”

  
“You’re not making any sense! You’re scaring me! Kaworu!” Shinji shouted.

  
There was a crash behind them as a woman knocked over a trash can. She stumbled over it clumsily. Something seemed very very wrong with her. She grunted and stumbled towards them looking drunk. Kaworu glanced at her and grabbed Shinji’s hand.

  
“I’ll protect you Shinji, I promise. I love you but right now we need to go. I’m not going to let you become an angel.” He begged practically dragging him away from her.  
“What’s wrong with everyone? What do you mean become an angel? Why are you bleeding?” He pulled his hand away from Kaworu’s.

  
“I’m not moving another step until you tell me what’s going on! ”

  
Kaworu grabbed Shinji’s arm more forcefully his, expression remained placid.

  
“I love you, please let me save you.” No matter what happens to the world, he needed to save Shinji. They could be happy together as long as they survived. “Please come with me.” He said with his calmest smile. “I promise I’ll explain everything once we’re safe.” He lied.

  
-

  
Shinji and Kaworu left early that morning. He couldn’t stand being around Asuka even though he had known her for less than a day.

  
Everything felt wrong.

  
Shinji walked with Kaworu in silence trying to think of something to say.

  
“Do you remember your life from before?”

  
“Yes, is there anything you would like to know, Shinji?”

  
He cringed. Talking to Kaworu was like talking to Rei.

  
Kaworu frowned.

  
“Did I say something that upset you?”

  
“Can’t you just talk normally? Why does everything have to be an order?”

  
“I don’t understand. I’m sorry that this isn’t what you wished for.” Kaworu said apologetically.

  
“Why won’t anyone just talk to me?”

  
“We are talking, Shinji.”

  
“No, you’re just reacting to what I say. You’re a machine following orders. You don’t actually think.”

  
“Why not talk with Asuka.”

  
“I can’t she scares me.”

  
“What about other students at school?”

  
“I don’t know any of them. They’re all strangers.”

  
“Then you’ve chosen to be trapped in this world haven’t you?”

  
“I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want this.”

  
“Then why don’t you change?”

  
“That isn’t as easy as it sounds.”

  
-

  
Kaworu and Asuka’s introductions had gone off without a hitch. Kaworu was extremely popular with the girls and Asuka despite her crowd of boys seemed a little jealous of him for stealing attention from her. Kaworu kept smiling at Shinji and following him everywhere until Shinji finally had to order him to stay put and “act like a normal student” and “make friends” which somehow came easily to him despite being a dead boy.

  
He went to have lunch alone grateful to finally be away from Kaworu for a moment. Kaworu was suffocating him. He had expected Rei to be waiting for him in their usual spot but instead he found himself alone. Rei didn’t bother him since he always felt alone with her but somehow this felt wrong.

  
“Rei?”

  
He heard voices coming from a nearby storage shed. He peeked in and saw Asuka and Rei together. Asuka had forced Rei into a corner.

  
“Why did you leave?”

  
Asuka asked her in a tone that sounded as if she was either going to attack her or kiss her depending on her answer.

  
“Ikari needed me.” Rei said flatly.

  
“Is he so important that you needed to leave me? Did Commander Ikari order you to do this?”

  
Rei glanced at him as he stared them through a crack in the door.

  
Rei remained silent.

  
“Say something.”

  
Rei glanced back at Asuka and Shinji realized he had been caught. He turned around and ran. He didn’t know why but once he found a teacher he told them that some students were smoking in the storage shed.

  
-

  
Asuka was waiting for him after school.

  
“You’re pathetic.”

  
-

  
Rei entered into Dr. Akagi’s office her breath rising from her mouth like smoke. There was a fine dusting of cigarette ash over everything. Dr. Akagi was waiting for her holding a bag.

  
“Everything you’ll need is in here.” Ritsuko said taking a long drag on her cigarette and exhaling. She pulled out a measuring tape and after checking and double checking marked a line on her left arm in marker.

  
“Don’t let him go above here.”

  
“I understand.” Rei said.

  
Ritsuko didn’t need to say anymore. She had done this countless times before but each time she always felt a twinge of jealousy, not that she would let anyone ever see this. She stepped out of her way and Rei entered into a small private elevator that only she and a select few in NERV knew about.

  
Rei descended.

  
-

  
Everything was brutally cold in Commander Ikari’s office. Her breath came out in clouds now but Gendo Ikari remained at his desk like a statue. He glanced up at her his skin blue against his bright orange glasses. He stood up and began to disrobe methodically and dispassionately. Quality Pre-impact clothing was almost impossible to replace. He carefully folded his clothes and placed his glasses on top.

  
“Shall we begin?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have tried to tag this but I am really tired tonight and I'm not sure I've gotten everything. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know if I missed any tags and I will add them.


	3. fuck me kill me fuck me kill me fuck me kill me fuck me kill me fuck me kill me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flat affect: A severe reduction in emotional expressiveness. People with depression and schizophrenia often show flat affect. A person with schizophrenia may not show the signs of normal emotion, perhaps may speak in a monotonous voice, have diminished facial expressions, and appear extremely apathetic. Also known as blunted affect.
> 
> Shinji remembers. The world ends. Asuka destroys herself. Yui takes things into her own hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really disturbing. The next chapter will be more disturbing. This is a good place to stop. You don't need to read past here. 
> 
> Please don't read this if you are in a bad place. 
> 
> I plan to tie everything together at the end.
> 
> Major trigger warnings for rape. This fic might as well be a rapist au where everyone is a rapist. 
> 
> Please don't read this if that could hurt you.

Shinji found Asuka where he had expected her to be outside of NERV’s only gateway to the surface. She had delicately arranged several served heads in a line in front of her. He recognized his fathers head among them still alive and yet dead. Asuka herself sat atop a pile of corpses languidly. She glanced at Shinji as he approached with Kaworu following a step behind him. Behind her in bright red letters in what could be blood or spraypaint someone had written:

_BABYLON THE GREAT_

Everything was silent. He wondered if there were anymore people still left in NERV hiding somewhere. He thought about going back and looking for someone but deep down inside he knew he and Asuka were all that remained.

“Want to make out?” She asked sullenly. Her eyes reminded him of a fish.

  
He hated her.

  
“Kaworu, fuck her.” He ordered.

  
**-**

  
Rei came back to school her arm enclosed in a cast. Asuka was furious.

  
“How long has this been happening?” she asked Shinji.

  
“It’s always been like this. She’s an evangelion so she goes out on missions.”

  
“There haven’t been any missions in months.”

  
Afterwards Asuka started camping out by the entrance to the surface. Shinji felt relieved since that meant she was never home. He was glad to see her go. Misato kept trying to get her to come home but as far as he was concerned this was never her home.

 

**-**

  
Rei knocked and Sinji let her in. She was cradling Asuka’s still living head.

  
“I’ve salvaged Unit 02.”

  
Asuka’s eyes rolled around in her head, tears streaming down her face. Shinji wondered if she was killing angels in her head right now. Rei held onto what remained of her as if she were made of glass.

  
“They should disperse in a few hours and then we will return to NERV.”

  
Rei gently ran her fingers through Asuka’s hair soothing her as she screamed soundlessly unable to die. Shinji didn’t know what either of them were thinking.

  
**-**

  
Dr. Fuyutsuki stood next to Dr. Ikari. They didn’t have much time.

  
“Are you truly going to use Project E for your own purposes?” He asked her.

  
“Yes.”

  
He didn’t need to say any more. His silence made him complicit. She knew this.

  
**-**

  
Shinji didn’t need Kaworu to force him to move anymore as they ran together as fast as they could. Kaworu was bleeding on his hip and he was slowing down. A horde of angels trailed them as they reached Kaworu’s apartment. He spent what felt like forever trying to unlock his door. They burst into his apartment.

  
“We’re trapped what are we supposed to do now?” Shinji begged him. Kaworu looked up at him with feral eyes. He was drooling slightly. His room was almost completely empty. Kaworu ignored him and reached for his bed tearing into his mattress.

  
“What are you doing? I thought you would explain everything.”

  
Inside of his mattress there was a small black box. A set of eyes engraved on it stared back at him. Kaworu opened it and pulled out a syringe. He withdrew a liquid and Shinji noticed a bite mark on his arm.

  
“I’m sorry Shinji I don’t have much time. We had planned a virus but it wasn’t this. Someone has taken project E and released it for their own purposes. We were going to make a world of peace with no violence or wars. We were going to accelerate human evolution and become like gods.”

  
“You’re not making any sense.”

  
“I was a spy. Your father planned on betraying us. Seele cloned me for this mission but I always felt I was born to meet you.”

  
He stabbed Shinji injecting him.

  
Shinji felt everything go red.

  
“You are not a being who should die. I’m sorry I can’t give you a better future. Thank you.”

  
He kissed Shinji and Shinji thought Kaworu was attacking him.

  
He blanked out.

  
When he awoke he found Kaworu’s body. It was bruised and battered but what made him feel worse was he was covered in scars that looked old. His hands were covered in blood. He was covered in blood. He wanted to vomit. He went into Kaworu’s shower and found a razor blade as he washed and he knew.

  
Eventually he found Kaworu’s head. He was still alive.

  
They never broke down Kaworu’s apartment door. He wished they had.

  
Instead he waited in a room that reeked of Kaworu’s blood. He didn’t know how long he waited but he felt as if forever had passed in that room alone with what remained of Kaworu.

  
Eventually they came, Asuka and Rei. They were strong and he realized later if he had wanted he could have left Kaworu’s apartment on his own because he was like them. They had come looking for an Evangelion unit and found him. His father seemed unsurprised when they brought him back with Kaworu.

  
They made him fight.

  
**-**

  
Shinji woke up with Kaworu sleeping next to him.

  
He remembered.

  
“I ate you.”

  
Kaworu opened his eyes.

  
“Yes.”

  
He looked at Kaworu’s body.

  
“Strip.”

  
He had always wondered where they had gotten replacement “parts” from until one day he asked Ritsuko. She told him to come back later and she would show him his father’s dirty little secret. He remembered she led him that night to a different laboratory.

  
That was when he learned what Rei really was.

  
He recognized her in his body. Pieces of her grafted on to replace what he ate.

  
He’d begged Ritsuko to help him forget and she had over and over again.

  
He couldn’t stop smelling blood.

  
**-**

  
When the first man had propositioned her Asuka had readily accepted.

  
She wanted them to fuck her.

  
She wanted them to hurt her.

  
She hadn’t been hurt enough because if she had she wouldn’t have done that to Rei.

  
So she let them touch her and kiss her and fuck her because maybe if they hurt her enough she would be safe.

  
She would never be safe. She knew this. So she let them hurt her forever.

 


	4. What would you like to do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji will never leave.

Dr. Fuyutsuki held a syringe tentatively.

  
“You know that this will turn the entire world against you.” He said to Dr. Ikari.

  
She smiled at him.

  
“I intend to destroy the world.”

  
She held out her arm to him and he gently took it.

  
He injected her.

  
“Would you like for me to stay with you?”

  
“You should go. My husband will need someone to guide him. He really is helpless without me.”

  
“What about Shinji?”

  
“I’m doing this for him.”

  
-

  
Shinji tore into Kaworu his jaw tensing and aching as he ripped another strip off his body. He heard a click and he turned toward the door that was supposed to be locked. Had angels learned to use doors? His jaw dropped and a piece of Kaworu fell out of his mouth as his door burst open. She stood there covered in red staring at him.  
“He’s an irregular.” She said turning to her blue haired companion.

  
He stared at her wide-eyed.

  
“I’m normal.” He pleaded with her.

  
-

  
Shinji stared down at the translucent orange pool of water.

  
He hated that pool. He held Kaworu’s hand as he shakily descended into the pool. Kaworu’s teeth shined white as he grimaced. Even just being submerged burned him. He wanted a break but he stayed with Kaworu because he knew Kaworu hurt so much more than he could imagine.

  
They had already been at it for an hour where he had held Kaworu’s hand as they removed his bandages his grafts tearing off with him. He listened to Kaworu whimper and he wished that he had killed Kaworu.

  
He wanted to kill Kaworu. He watched as flecks of flesh like pixie dust bubbled up clouding the orange liquid which was now darkening. He needed to pee but he couldn’t leave Kaworu. He wanted him to just die. Why did he keep living when he was in so much pain. Even if angels could not die he could still be killed.

  
Sometimes Kaworu did beg for him to kill him.

  
“Why are you doing this?”

  
Kaworu looked up at him and despite the pain he felt his eyes were clear. He usually fought and writhed as his flesh sloughed off in the pool. He relaxed his grip and smiled up at Shinji.

  
“Because you need me.”

  
“I never wished for this.”

  
Kaworu’s features softened slightly.

  
“What do you want Shinji?”

  
“I want you to stop hurting so much.”

  
“Then please kill me.”

  
“But I don’t want you to die!”

  
“But suffering is a universal aspect of being alive. As long as I continue to exist I will always suffer. The only true release from suffering is death.”  
“But I don’t want to lose you. If you die I’ll be alone.”

  
“I won’t ever leave you Shinji.”

  
Kaworu released his hand.

  
“You forgot to go to the bathroom this morning before we started didn’t you. You can go. I will be fine for a few minutes.”

  
-

  
The next morning Kaworu was already waiting for him in the pool. He smiled at Shinji.

  
He wasn’t hurting anymore.

  
He looked at his arm.

  
EVANGELION UNIT 05 MASS PRODUCTION TEST TYPE

  
He turned to Dr. Akagi who was already hard at work at their daily ritual of mutilating Kaworu in the name of curing him.

  
“What did you do?”

  
-

  
“I want to forget.” Shinji begged Dr. Akagi.

  
Dr. Akagi sighed.

  
“Shinji you already are an Evangelion Unit.”

  
She snuffed out her cigarette.

  
“Come back tonight at 3 AM. I’ll show you something then.”

  
-

  
Ritsuko walked into Kaworu’s room.

  
Shinji wasn’t there.

  
He was probably waiting outside of her office. It was already 3:05 AM. Kaworu smiled up at her.

  
“Is there anything I can do for you Dr. Akagi?”

  
“Your beloved Shinji is going to abandon you.”

  
Kaworu’s expression did not change.

  
“He’s going to forget you just like his father did to me. ”

  
Kaworu did not say anything as he waited for an order. She had forgotten he was a doll now. She had expected at least something.

  
“What do you want to do now that your owner has forgotten you?”

  
“I want to meet him again.”

  
-

  
Shinji descended with Dr. Akagi into a lab he had never seen before.

  
He glanced into a room where half of a gigantic woman hung suspended.

  
A familiar thick orange liquid poured out of her.

  
“What is that?”

  
“Patient Zero. Your mother.”

  
She continued walking and he rushed to catch up with her.

  
“Why is she different?”

  
“Shinji I thought you wanted to forget everything.” She said her expression cruel.

 

He blushed in shame.

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
She led him to a room labeled DUMMY PLUG SYSTEM in silence.

  
He forgot.

 

  
-  
“How many times have I forgotten?”

  
“I have not been ordered to keep track. Would you like for me to keep a count from now on?”

  
Shinji shook his head as he glanced down at the angels stumbling around in the streets. He doubted Dr. Akagi was even still alive anymore. He changed his question slightly.

  
“How many times have you introduced yourself to me?”

  
“I have introduced myself to you thirty three different times.”

  
“How many years has it been since we first met?”

  
“Twenty one years and three hundred and forty one days.”

  
He reeled with this information.

  
“But I’m twenty one.”

  
He didn’t feel any older. He thought about Asuka and how young she still was and Misato and Dr. Akagi.

  
“Everyone was already infected weren’t they?”

  
Kaworu placidly told him the truth.

  
“The geofront is a quarantine colony.”

  
-

 

 

 

-

“Kaworu, this is Shinji.” Ritsuko said introducing him. Her hands trembled she needed coffee or maybe something stronger. Kaworu looked up at Shinji from the piano bench smiling his most welcoming smile. “Hello Shinji.” She didn’t know why she had expected anything to be different. “Shinji will obey any commands you give him unquestioningly.”

She didn’t even know why she was even talking at this point. She had long ago past the point where her words meant anything.

  
“What would you like to do Kaworu?”

“Whatever you want Shinji.”

  
“What would you like to do Kaworu?”

  
“Whatever you want Shinji.”

  
Ritsuko left them down there.

 

 

…

 

 

 

Asuka looked at the cum and the blood and the death and the horror around her and even with every offering she had not found the absolution she wanted.

  
She sat up. The scent of their fluids and oils on her body. She couldn’t make out her own scent anymore. She needed to get clean. She struggled to focus on something.

 

Anything.

 

She needed to leave.

 

An angel walked toward her with an erection.

 

Everything was dead here now.

  
She started laughing. She’d been spooning the dead in her own personal grave. She was dead. She’d been dead. Everything and everyone was in this place. She tried to quell her laughing as the angel mindlessly kissed her shoulder. She felt teeth and instinctively she felt something inside of her start to quell up. They tore her apart and this wasn’t any different. She had just asked for it this time.

  
Her laughter turned into screams.

  
She was awake again.

 

  
…

 

 

 

Asuka walked through what was once a sterile hallway past mummified remains no one had ever bothered to clean up. She had no idea how much time had past. Months? Maybe years? She found her key to Misato’s apartment. It still worked. She turned it not knowing what to expect.

  
Everything was clean inside. The sterility of the room felt unnatural to her. She felt eerie for a moment as if she had violated that stillness. Her senses strained as she struggled to sense any threats. She shut the door behind her locking it. On the table was a note.

Misato,

  
If you are alive I have relocated to the Central Dogma.

  
I’ve sealed it off so that they can’t get in.

  
The Evangelion series are a complete failure. NERV is completely compromised.

  
At this point all I can do is work and see if I can salvage anything.

  
If you’re still alive you can

 

-

 

 

She dropped the note it didn’t really matter now she needed to shower now more than anything.

 

  
-

 

 

She spent forever in that shower. Even now she could still smell them but she didn’t see a point anymore. She searched through Misato’s cupboards. They were well stocked with instant food. She ate and shockingly she felt better. Everything felt almost normal. She found her old Sega Saturn where she left it in her room. She sat down and played all night.

  
The sun didn’t set or rise since she was completely underground. Eventually she fell asleep. She woke up to the sound of her game still stuck on the same menu screen. The same music had been looping all night.

  
She got up, ate breakfast, took a shower, put on a new dress, and then she resumed playing. She repeated this over and over again waiting to feel normal.

 

-

 

 

She turned her Sega Saturn off wondering why she had wasted so much time with what was essentially a toy.

  
She realized she hated herself for allowing herself to become like this. She needed to get out of here.

  
She finally read through the letter.

 

-

She descended to Central Dogma.

  
At the bottom she found that it had been sealed. She pressed her ear to the door and listened.

 

“What would you like to do Kaworu?”

  
“Whatever you want Shinji.”

  
“What would you like to do Kaworu?”

 

She shuddered as she listened to them repeat over and over.

  
There was nothing alive down here.

  
She was going to live.

  
She realized she would never know what happened here. She wasn’t sure that she would even fully remember what had happened to her. She didn’t care as long as she could live.

 

-

She ascended to the surface.

As she emerged into the sunlight she suddenly heard alarms going off.

  
It dawned on her that she could never go back and that terrified her.

  
She didn’t miss a beat as she raced forward toward a future unknown.

 

-

 

Asuka rushed out of her apartment forgetting to lock it.

  
She regretted staying up all night playing video games with her boyfriend.

  
She was late but there was still time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've wanted to finish this for a long time but I'm not the same person I was when I started writing this. Most of this chapter is a leftover draft from that time. I've been going through really severe mental health issues. I wanted to at least give this an ending.


End file.
